DISAPPOINTMENTS, ANGER AND MOVING ON
Hey guys!
It’s been ages and so far have got a lot going on in my life right now but life
must continue. My life must go on .Today I’ll be sharing my life, I just wanna
scream and shout and let it all out. Let out all that has been going on with me,
my fears, and disappointment, everything.
Today’s
topic is really deep. These days and weeks, I have been working really hard. I
put effort into everything that’s in my life and comes my way.
There’s these deal I worked on of recent and I’ll say unfortunately,
I got it .I say unfortunately because perhaps if I didn’t put too much effort
on it and expect too much and if I didn’t get it ,I wouldn’t have to go through
so much pain ,anger and disgust. I’ll say fortunately because I believe there’s
a reason for everything that happens in life and I believe these was meant to
be to teach me these lessons. Though I wish I didn’t have to learn this lesson
this way. I wish there was some other way .The way I learnt is really painful
and I wouldn’t want anyone to experience this. Instead please learn from my
experience.
So I got this deal and in every
contract or deal, there’s an agreement, there are terms and conditions you would
need to fulfill .It’s a long story .In summary, I thought I’ll get the love
from my family and loved ones, this is something I worked for, prayed for and
hoped for all my damn life. It’s something that would definitely change my
fucken life forever. When your friend, sister daughter is blessed .You’re way blessed.
I got the biggest disappointment of my life, a memory that would live on and I’ll never ever
forget in life, I was shocked like I clung to naked wire or I hugged a transformer.
No one, I mean no one supported me, no one helped me, all the tears I cried, no
one ever told me it did be ok or here’s my shoulder ,cry on it or here’s a
tissue .All the struggles I went through ,no one ever said lemme help you up.
No one even when I asked for help, my “loved ones” made it clear that they are not
interested in my welfare, no manner or attempt of support. There’s a time in
life when you must have support, there must be someone to lift you up when you’re
down, no matter how hard you try, you would never do it all alone. There must
be someone. That’s why God made Eve, that’s why God made Adam a helper, God saw
it’s not good for man to be alone and every man, every human needs support and
a helper .Yes! God saw that. I struggled alone ,cried alone, fought alone,
fainted alone, almost died alone, encouraged myself all my myself, got
discouraged all myself, advised myself all by myself, took in the pain and
worries all by myself, I did loads of things all by myself. At a point, I
couldn’t cope, I couldn’t continue ,I never slept ,all the sacrifices I made
all by myself died because the journey I was about to take wasn’t sometime you
could do all by yourself. The burden was way too much. I needed someone. At least,
someone to talk to and find encouragement in but there was no one .So I had to quit
and pull out. The deadline came and I was disqualified. The struggles, the
sacrifices wasted. Time, energy, hopes and other factors wasted and gone
After being disqualified I was so disappointed, all I could see in me
was a big hole and nothing, I felt empty ,all that came to my head was quit
,never fight again, never struggle again. All I could think of was never,
never, never. The biggest part of the disappointment was that my love ones, my
family ,my best friends , people I would honestly and without doubt ,pull my
eyes for, people I would give an arm and leg for, they disappointed me .If you
hurt these people, you hurt me. People do all sort if things to me but I do not
feel it. If you really want to hurt me directly at my heart, hurt this people,
ill pull off my beauty and show you the beast in me .I take these ones very seriously, I do not joke
with them. Their life is my worry. These ones hurt me. The ones that have my heart,
took it and pierced it to death. They killed my heart. It’s really
disappointing, very disappointing, have never been these hurt in my entire life.
The ones I’ll kill for, killed me. Taylor swift would say “Bad Blood”. It’s
like I had found love in a hopeless place.
After the disappointment and my heart
had died, it’s like another heart was replaced immediately, the new heart I saw
was anger, not the kind of anger you’ll wake up in the morning and then it’s
all gone. Words really can’t express what I really feel inside. The appropriate
word I can find for now is rage ,rage
with a cloud of fury ,wickedness and so much hate for everything even myself .Disappointment
and rage almost ruined me, I don’t drink ,I don’t smoke ,there are stuffs I
don’t do because am a Christian and I
belong to a church and there are doctrines that bind us. I’m not a fan of
breaking rules and regulations but I found myself going insane and not doing
the normal me. Everything I did was hateful. I swore to be a hateful pain in
the ass but there’s something in me that still had an element of the old me.
Maybe it’s the blood that the old heart pumped that’s still left in me. Even
when I thought of the wicked things ,crazy bad annoying things, I never did any
,I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t kill. It was all in my head and I
slowly suffered the pain .I’m a skinny bitch but I look hmmm! Awful. Right now
am in school trying to finish a program in school. I almost dropped out and I
wasn’t too happy with God because through all my struggle, my sacrifice and
pain. I would look to the heaven and say “Lord God, Jesus please tell me would this
work out, would everything be alright? Would these struggle pay off? Sweet Jesus,
am I struggling for nothing? Would
it be fine” and then a voice would whisper “Sweetheart, It would be fine” and
then I’ll be relaxed and calm.
Even
when in all the struggle, things were not getting any better, I’ll still look
up and ask “Lord Jesus, help me please” and I’ll hear the sweet voice, “I’ll be
there for you in the darkest times, go on”. At a point, things didn’t get better.
I would go to Sunday school every morning and I’ll ask and share my fucken
experience and what am going through and then my Sunday school teacher would
tell me it’s the holy spirit and I always had total assurance. When it happened
and the nut shell was finally cracked and there was no nut inside, I looked to
heaven and there was no assurance, no voice. Just me all by myself talking and
crying to myself. It affected me spiritually, I started backsliding, I wasn’t
too dedicated like before. I lived a fucked up spiritual life. Talked to God
carelessly, ran away from him. Did things my own way and would not ask the lord
for directions.
It’s five days after the final disappointment
and I can’t get over it. My life is this wrecked already and am not the real me.
The Disappointment has come, the rage is there, life must go on .At least
the disappointment and rage only kill my love heart but the blood the heart
pumped before it died is still flowing and really flowing and working. Right
now, there’s a fight, a part of me be like you ought to hate not love, and
another be like, no! Amber wake up this is not you.Everything happens for a
purpose … That’s right!
It’s really important to understand
that life must go on and am grateful am alive. If I had to struggle for that I
wouldn’t win but God, Jesus did all that struggle and I have life and that
really important to me. I have to move on and I would move on, it might take
time but ill overcome.
A lot of you out there have
experienced worst, am not saying have healed or am healed. Honestly it’s not up
to 3 days and the wounds are fresh and the blood is rushing out and I can see
it. I still cry every night and live in regret. The ones that hurt me are not
helping matters, everyone is just be so selfish and unrepentant. I’ll share
tips that has helped me calm down so far and how am trying to move on.
v WHEN CRYING DO A SELFIE VIDEO: - This
might seem crazy and childish or worse but it is really helpful. It was to me. When
I got disqualified, I cried the whole days and I did selfie videos. It’s crazy
looking at yourself when you’re crying. It’s like you’re talking to someone so
the burden it’s lifted off and at some point you’ll stop crying and continue
crying but it lessens the pain, you’ll feel relieved and that video should be
titled or tagged “motivation video”, it will inspire you to be stronger and work
harder in the future.
v SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE: - You can never
be alone. When someone comes along, share, cry let it all out. It wouldn’t
erase the memory or pain but it’s really helpful. You’ll be encouraged and the
pain would lessen. In my case, after I had been disqualified, two hours later
an old friend called and I couldn’t bear it, I cried on phone and she asked
what the matter was. She was really bitter that I didn’t let her know about it
and she made a way out but it was already too late .Some else must have been chosen
already .So it’s one of the lessons I’ve learnt and the regrets ill live to have.
Never Quit, Be Patient, Let the Lord have his way, don’t have your way.
v BE
CAREFUL OF LOVED ONES, THE ONES CLOSEST TO YOUR HEART: Most of these guys
are just there to hurt and break your heart and tear to apart and make your
skies dark, family is everything but don’t expect too much, if not you might
get disappointed much. Put your hopes on God .He is everything. Be open to everyone,
God uses anyone to bless anyone. Like the president of Nigeria said in his inaugural
speech, “I belong to everybody and I belong to no one”.
v CHANNEL YOUR RAGE INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE:
- Right now I give my sincere apologies[McA1] to my keyboards .I’m typing like I wanna break
a rock with a sledge hammer and I’m so
fast. In 12 minutes and some seconds, I have typed this much and I feel calm
sharing with y’all .It feels much better pouring out my heart and my burden is
less.
v DO WHAT YOU LOVE AND WHAT RELAXES YOU:-
Give yourself a time out ,bask in the sun if that what you love doing, take
selfies .For me, have been listening to music ,not sad songs but songs what
would make me wanna dance and forget about all my worries. Have a good time,
force yourself to.
v FORGIVE AND SET YOUR GOALS :- As have
been typing I remembered ,I can’t be forgiven if I don’t forgive so I have forgiven
all those that have hurt me badly and ill set new goals and priorities ,work harder and will not stop school, will not stop work.
I’ll have fun and live life to the fullest.
It’s painful but our lives must go on.
For everyone going through disappointment, anger and is having a hard time
moving on. I’m here and ready to help, have been through the pain and I know how
it hurts but we got love and support one another. No one need to be all alone,
I don’t want to be all by myself, let’s stick together, let’s lean on and be strong.
I don’t want to live and feel this way anymore, it’s ruining me. We must go on.
Now, am not too angry and I feel that love is all that matters .If you have
personal questions and comments, or there’s something you want to talk about ,you
can contact me via my email address :- ambergoldenpeter@gmail.com . SO
much love and we would move on from disappointments and rage to success and
fulfillment.
WITH
LOVE
J
*********Amber*************
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